My Christmas BuFu'd yours today.

And here's why.

Most of my peers and others who are in their mid 20's will most definitely remember this guy:

 

That's right! It's Bozo the Clown and as a child of the mid/late 80's and early 90's, this was THE show to watch. This show was filled with everything that made television good back in those days. It was a variety show where Bozo would interview tongue-tied kids, do skits with special guests of the show, throw a pie in his sidekick, Cookie's, face, and of course show a cartoon (normally it Popeye the Sailor). 

Now for all of you few who are reading this and are have crazy flashbacks of this show, then you will SURELY (don't call my Shirly) remember the best part of the show:

 

THE GRAND PRIZE GAME! The seemingly easy challenge of throwing ping pong balls into 6 buckets. The game was riddled with prizes, as every successful attempt won you a different prize. The first couple of buckets generally awarded a Bozo doll or balloon, then a Bozo cake, then some other I-gotta-have-it-so-I'll-forget-about-it-in-a-month toy. At bucket 4, though, shit got real. Bozo lost his mind and started giving kids new bikes, game systems, tv's, fuckin' 50 dollar bills, and the final bucket always awarded a trip to Space Camp or Universal Studios. I mean, this was essentially a syndicated public access show that obviously had deep, deep pockets. 

So, two post cards were drawn from a big spinning ball then a boy and a girl were picked randomly from the audience. The post cards represented a kid from somewhere else in the country who would win exactly what the corresponding player would win on the show. Now let me say this, most of the kids were complete shit at the throw-the-ball-in-the-bucket-that's-right-in-front-of-you game and I always felt bad for the unlucky kid watching at home as their dreams of going to Space Camp are crushed by the retarded, bi-focal clad kid who missed the first bucket. But when the winds blew east and the moon was high, a kid would make it through all the buckets, winning all of Bozo's toys, cakes, drug money, and trips, and then later on becoming a millionaire or something. My oh my, those were the days.

The reason I bring all of this up is to introduce you to my newest Christmas present. Because I am from North Carolina, going to the Bozo the Clown Show in Chicago was a bit difficult. I always dreamed of being able to play the Grand Prize Game and play it right. I would dominate and be the happiest kid in the world, but alas, distance kept me from my dreams. But now, almost two decades later, I have been given the gift that will keep on giving....

 

I am now the owner of my very own Grand Prize Game! Life at my house will never be the same as this game will become the deciding factor in many a household bickering. Who's doing the dishes? Grand Prize Game. Who's mowing the lawn? Grand Prize Game. Who's paying the bills? Grand Prize Game. Yes, life is going to be different for me from now own. Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

God vs. Science vs. Something cool

Tonight is the Winter solstice which normally means absolutely nothing to me (other being yet another thing to not think about this close to Christmas.) Tonight is different, though, because the earth is going to cast it's fat ass earth shadow on the moon. That's right, folks, lunar eclipse's is like whoa tonight. This amazing and beautiful spectacle of our universe will not happen again until 2014, and we all know the earth will be gone by then. So I got my front row tickets to this marvelous event, gungho on seeing the splendor of a PLANET that is revolving around a giant SUN in such a way that it BLOCKS THE LIGHT AND CASTS A SHADOW on THE MOON that is in turn revolving around said PLANET! It's a universal masterpiece and guess-the-hell-what; It's cloudy. Not rain clouds or snow clouds or even lightning and thunder clouds; just lunar eclipse-blocking clouds that have decided to ruin the night, the week, and Christmas.

At first I was like...

And then I was like...

So what does it mean? Clouds. How do they work? I speculate a few things: 1) God always has, and always will never want us, his most loved creation, to enjoy the brick-shitting miracles of the universe, just ask the Challenger crew. 2) Scientists intentionally pick the days in which it will be cloudy for most of the world and then announce "OMFG GAIZ, LUNARZ ECLIPSE TONIGHT!!!11! LOLZ!!!1" 3) Low pressure systems.

Either way, I'm gonna spray some aerosol so I can see space without that ozone glaucoma. 

Birthday steak

I celebrated my 24th birthday today in the same way most 24 years old would: I worked. Luckily, though, tonight there was a very special surprise waiting for me at my friend, Sarah's, house. See, normally Wednesdays are our "Dexter Wednesdays" anyway since she'll DVR the show, and well get together at watch it. Today being Wednesday and my birthday meant that she would apparently murder a large cow just for my stomach! I knew I was having steak, but I did not know it was going to be 36 oz of man-tear inducing pleasure. Here's an accurate drawing of the event. Click for more detail.

Anyhoo, cow with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli, and cheese toast was my dinner and all other manner of mammal bowed before my feet. Also, lemon birthday cake.

Needless to say, this has been a wonderful birthday and I appreciate all of the pleasant comments and phone calls I received. You're looking good, 24, don't let me down.

These 3 pictures have something in common.

 

I know what today is.....

Unfortunate price tags...

Snows blows

 

From my front porch to your bitter heart.

Please don't get me wrong, though. After the brutal Summer we had here in North Carolina, I originally welcomed the sight of snow. It wasn't until I had to return to my house, which rests ever so inconveniently about halfway up a moderately steep hill. A hill that has not been paved or salted. A hill that is covered with roughly an inch or two of snow on top of an inch or two of ice. Needless to say, my PT Cruiser made it all of about 50 feet up the hill before getting stuck, and sliding back. Getting down the hill this morning was not problem and sliding back down it this afternoon was pretty easy too. So now I am parked across the highway in a medical park that's about 100 yards from my house. After making it back to my house on foot, I am left wondering one simple thing: Why is it that a bearded and overweight guy like me can make it up a hill easier with two boot-covered feet than a car with 140+ horsepower with four newish tires? 

In the beginning...

In my angst-ridden teenage years, I kept a blog that was literally tears and anger in e-print form. But one day, I grew out of it and put my life of myspace and irrelevant song lyrics behind me. I decided it was actually easier to bitch and moan to my friends in real life than it ever was to update a blog with some sort of consistency. Cut to a few years later and here we are. I'm back to blogging, but this time I plan to be 24 years old about it. That having been said, here's to another (probably unsuccessful attempt at a) blog. Keep up if you would like. If not, I have a way funnier and more entertaining sister who can be found here. Who knows, I may get a movie deal one day since Hollywood seems to be running out of ideas.

Here's a relevant picture to look at from marriedtothesea.com.